Rough Wednesday. Ceil broke the news to Anna that we couldn’t afford to pay for her to be in a sorority. I could make excuses. Life is about choices. What could I do to afford the dues? Should I blame myself? Is this fair to Anna? I sure feel bad about this.
As parents we made it tough on Anna by not counting the cost beforehand. At orientation we both missed the meeting on Greek life. Now Anna has the tough task of breaking the news to everyone, including her roommate. On the phone she was upbeat, stressing the positives. But I knew that inside she was hurting, which made it worse for me.
God is at work teaching me these days. I am not the best student. Learning comes slowly. For years I have drawn inward, keeping my own counsel while the rest of the world draws off other people to live, learn, and grow. I pout and remain inactive, which only hurts me physically, mentally, and spiritually. At least I’m getting plenty of sleep.
It’s one thing to hide behind a computer screen and spout platitudes about how life should be lived. But it’s quite different to get off the bench and get in the game. Actually having relationships and living life with real people is much harder. People are selfish and have their reasons why they do things. They don’t always do what you want. It’s easy to Monday morning quarterback after the fact, providing simple solutions without knowing all the particulars. It’s much rougher to make the hard decisions in the heat of the battle.
Changes at work and at home have helped wake me up to what’s going on around me. Sitting in the back of the office without much supervision allowed me to get a lot of work done – and let me retreat even more into my own little world. Now I’m on the front lines, in constant contact with my hard-working, communicative superiors. Work is a challenge, which is needed and good.
In Sunday School at Johnson Ferry I am surrounded by husbands in a similar stage of life. For over fifteen years we’ve been away from such an environment. There are many things I dislike, but no church is perfect. It’s what we need as a couple.
I enjoy being a dreamer and creating scenarios in my mind. Some I post here. Research projects, I often call them. It’s easy to see when another person is out of touch with the world around them by the unwise things they say. It’s easy to spot and not pretty. Hopefully people don’t stumble across my posts and say the same about me. It’s quite possible. As hard as it is to deal with people, but is something I must do to own up to my responsibilities as a husband, father, and employee.
People around me quietly endure hardship without complaint. Every day they put one foot in front of the other. For so long I’ve made excuses to myself. For so long I have remained stagnant. Getting going again ain’t easy. But if I don’t the next thirty years will be all the more miserable.
I have so much to be thankful for. There are so many people less fortunate than me, who are working harder and making less progress. Most make better use of the gifts God has blessed them with. Makes me ashamed - I want to put up even more walls. God help me tear down these walls and live. Really live.
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