Friday, October 15, 2010

Top Ten Little Known Facts About the Whitakers

I thought about coming up with some “You Might Be a Whitaker If…” lines.

Instead I uncovered…


10. Guinness Book of World Records has recognized Reid for most foul shots attempted in a lifetime. Backyard Division.

He’s on track to break the “foul shots MADE” record early next year.

9. Having gone through over fifty coffee makers, in 1999 Reid & Edie were admitted to Mr. Coffee Hall of Fame.

Unfortunately Reid had choir practice, and missed the presentation by Joe DiMaggio.

8. They were awarded 2008 Hospitality Couple of the Year by the Greater Destin Chamber of Commerce (if you don’t get that one, you're not good enough friends with the Whitakers).

7. Just before dinner I received the following inside information: Today the entire staff at Second-Ponce accepted early-retirement packages. Reid was named Music Minister, and Edie Senior Pastor.

6. Due to the tremendous success of the Early Childhood School, the recently dedicated ten story East Wing was named after Edie.

And the basketball arena was named after (look at Reid, then Lang)…Claire.

5. After a 1979 Family Fun Night at Second Ponce, talent scouts offered young Lang & Claire a contract to sing on the Brady Bunch Variety Hour. They declined, and were replaced by a toddler named Drew Barrymore.

Claire! That could’ve been you! (That was for my Oscar clip). Hey, it’s tough digging up several thirty year old pop culture references.

4. Recent plumbing problems were attributed to pipes crushed by the weight of Reid’s baseball card collection. The flooding lowered Reid’s net worth by DOZENS of dollars. Reid, I’m joking, of course. The losses were in the three figures. LOW three figures.

3. Buckhead Coalition Chairman Sam Massell, representing the area’s fine dining establishments, will present Reid & Edie with a special plaque commemorating their streak of 20,000 straight nights eating out.

By the way, Sam was pretty upset that you’re dining in Smyrna tonight.

2. If you think I was kidding about the 20,000 restaurant visits, I asked Reid to bring his list detailing them all (hold up thick old book).

1. Young Claire turned out to be a little more perceptive than Reid & Edie imagined. When they told her I was their adopted big brother, she immediately saw through the “adopted” scam, and realized that I was indeed her actual real brother. Why do you think they let me speak at these things?

Happy anniversery, Mom and Dad!

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